Step Four reflection questions for self-examination and personal growth in recovery.
A document titled "We continue Step Four by examining our attitudes," listing reflective questions for personal inventory and self-assessment in a recovery program.
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Show Answer Key & Explanations
Step-by-step solution for: Al-anon
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Show Answer Key & Explanations
Step-by-step solution for: Al-anon
Let’s go through each question one by one. These are personal reflection questions — there’s no single “right” answer, but we’ll think about them honestly and clearly so you can write your own thoughtful response.
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1. What do I expect of myself? Do I harbor grudges? Why?
Think: What standards do you set for yourself? Are you hard on yourself? Do you hold onto anger or hurt from the past?
Example answer:
I expect myself to be kind, responsible, and try my best every day. Sometimes I’m too hard on myself when I make mistakes. I don’t usually hold grudges because holding onto anger makes me feel worse. But sometimes if someone hurts me badly, it takes time to let go — not because I want to punish them, but because I need to heal first.
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2. When do I resent from my past? What? Who? What is my part in it?
Think: Is there something from your past that still bothers you? A fight? A disappointment? Who was involved? What did YOU do (or not do) that might have contributed?
Example answer:
I resent a time in middle school when a friend lied about me. It made me lose other friends. My part? I didn’t stand up for myself at the time. I stayed quiet because I was scared. Now I wish I had spoken up sooner.
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3. Whom do I resent in my immediate environment? What? Who is my part in it?
Think: Who around you right now (family, classmates, coworkers) do you feel upset with? Why? Did you contribute to the problem somehow?
Example answer:
I resent my roommate for leaving messes everywhere. It stresses me out. My part? I don’t always speak up calmly — I just get angry and slam doors. That doesn’t help. I should talk to them respectfully instead.
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4. Do I resent authority figures? Who? What is my part in it?
Think: Teachers? Bosses? Parents? Police? Do you feel they’re unfair? Why? Have you ever been disrespectful or uncooperative?
Example answer:
Sometimes I resent teachers who give too much homework. I feel like they don’t understand how busy I am. My part? I complain instead of asking for help or managing my time better. I could be more proactive.
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5. When do I judge other people harshly and resent their not doing what I think they should?
Think: When do you get annoyed at others for not acting the way you think they should? Is it when they’re lazy? Rude? Unfair?
Example answer:
I judge people who cut in line or talk loudly in libraries. I think they should respect rules and others’ space. But sometimes I’m also impatient or loud without realizing it. So maybe I’m being hypocritical.
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6. Do I hold everyone and everything to an impossible demand of ideal perfection?
Think: Do you expect yourself or others to be perfect? Never make mistakes? Always be happy, smart, strong?
Example answer:
Yes, sometimes I do. I expect myself to never fail tests or always say the right thing. When I mess up, I feel terrible. I’m learning that it’s okay to be imperfect — everyone is.
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7. Am I fearful? What am I afraid of?
Think: What scares you? Failure? Rejection? Being alone? Not being good enough?
Example answer:
I’m afraid of failing important exams. I worry I won’t get into college or disappoint my parents. I’m also afraid of being judged by others if I show weakness.
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8. Am I intolerant? Who am I intolerant toward? What am I intolerant of?
Think: Do you get annoyed easily by certain types of people? Different opinions? Behaviors? Beliefs?
Example answer:
I’m intolerant of people who are rude to service workers. I hate seeing someone yell at a cashier. I’m also intolerant of closed-mindedness — people who refuse to listen to other views.
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9. Am I dishonest? Am I holding secrets? Do I lie rather than “cause a scene”? What behaviors do I hide from others? Why?
Think: Do you lie to avoid conflict? Hide things because you’re embarrassed? Keep secrets to protect yourself or others?
Example answer:
I’ve lied before to avoid hurting someone’s feelings — like saying I liked a gift I didn’t. I also hide when I’m sad because I don’t want to burden others. I fear being seen as weak or dramatic.
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10. Do I feel sorry for myself? How? I deal with self-pity? How do I feel I have been mistreated, cheated, misunderstood, or wronged?
Think: Do you often feel like life is unfair to you? Do you blame others? Or do you take responsibility?
Example answer:
Sometimes I feel sorry for myself when things go wrong — like getting a bad grade after studying hard. I think, “Why does this always happen to me?” But then I remind myself: everyone struggles. I try to focus on what I can control next time.
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11. Am I a loser? Do I like to be in charge? Did I get upset when I don’t know what to do? Do I have trouble making decisions? Do I procrastinate? Why?
Think: Do you doubt yourself? Like controlling situations? Get stressed when unsure? Put things off?
Example answer:
No, I’m not a loser — but I sometimes feel like one when I fail. I do like being in charge because I trust myself more than others. I get upset when I don’t know what to do — it makes me feel helpless. I procrastinate when tasks feel overwhelming or boring. I’m working on breaking big tasks into small steps.
---
12. In what ways do I find myself in dealing with others? Do I go to pieces when I remove myself from potentially disagreeable situations? Even if it’s my own home?
Think: Do you change your behavior depending on who you’re with? Do you fall apart emotionally when you leave uncomfortable situations?
Example answer:
I act differently with friends vs. family — more relaxed with friends, more careful with family. When I leave a tense situation, I sometimes cry or feel shaky — even at home. I need to learn calming techniques like deep breathing.
---
13. Do I allow others to manipulate me? Do I allow others to use me for their own benefit, all while I look for love? Have I sought professional advice?
Think: Do you say yes when you mean no? Let people take advantage of you? Seek therapy or counseling?
Example answer:
Yes, sometimes I let people manipulate me because I want to be liked. I say yes to favors even when I’m tired. I haven’t sought professional advice yet, but I’ve talked to trusted friends and read self-help books.
---
14. Do I have character defects? If so how far my list? How can I change my attitude toward my higher Power?
Think: What flaws do you see in yourself? Impatience? Jealousy? Laziness? How can you grow spiritually or morally?
Example answer:
My character defects include impatience, jealousy, and avoiding hard conversations. My list is long — but I’m aware of them. To change my attitude toward my higher power (or universe/God/life), I practice gratitude daily and ask for strength to improve.
---
15. Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? Why or why not?
Think: Do you fix other people’s problems? Take blame for things that aren’t your fault? Why?
Example answer:
Yes, I often take on others’ responsibilities — like helping siblings with chores even when it’s not my turn. I do it because I want peace or to be needed. But sometimes it burns me out. I’m learning to say no.
---
16. Do I have unreasonable expectations of my spouse, children, marriage, job, etc.? How?
Think: Do you expect your partner to always understand you? Your kids to behave perfectly? Your job to make you happy all the time?
Example answer:
I expect my partner to always know how I feel without me saying it — which isn’t fair. I expect my job to fulfill me completely, but no job can do that. I’m learning to communicate better and find joy outside work.
---
✔ Final Answer:
These are personal reflection questions — there’s no single correct answer. The goal is honest self-examination. Use the example answers above as guides to write your own truthful responses based on your experiences, feelings, and growth areas. Be kind to yourself as you reflect — this is about progress, not perfection.
---
1. What do I expect of myself? Do I harbor grudges? Why?
Think: What standards do you set for yourself? Are you hard on yourself? Do you hold onto anger or hurt from the past?
Example answer:
I expect myself to be kind, responsible, and try my best every day. Sometimes I’m too hard on myself when I make mistakes. I don’t usually hold grudges because holding onto anger makes me feel worse. But sometimes if someone hurts me badly, it takes time to let go — not because I want to punish them, but because I need to heal first.
---
2. When do I resent from my past? What? Who? What is my part in it?
Think: Is there something from your past that still bothers you? A fight? A disappointment? Who was involved? What did YOU do (or not do) that might have contributed?
Example answer:
I resent a time in middle school when a friend lied about me. It made me lose other friends. My part? I didn’t stand up for myself at the time. I stayed quiet because I was scared. Now I wish I had spoken up sooner.
---
3. Whom do I resent in my immediate environment? What? Who is my part in it?
Think: Who around you right now (family, classmates, coworkers) do you feel upset with? Why? Did you contribute to the problem somehow?
Example answer:
I resent my roommate for leaving messes everywhere. It stresses me out. My part? I don’t always speak up calmly — I just get angry and slam doors. That doesn’t help. I should talk to them respectfully instead.
---
4. Do I resent authority figures? Who? What is my part in it?
Think: Teachers? Bosses? Parents? Police? Do you feel they’re unfair? Why? Have you ever been disrespectful or uncooperative?
Example answer:
Sometimes I resent teachers who give too much homework. I feel like they don’t understand how busy I am. My part? I complain instead of asking for help or managing my time better. I could be more proactive.
---
5. When do I judge other people harshly and resent their not doing what I think they should?
Think: When do you get annoyed at others for not acting the way you think they should? Is it when they’re lazy? Rude? Unfair?
Example answer:
I judge people who cut in line or talk loudly in libraries. I think they should respect rules and others’ space. But sometimes I’m also impatient or loud without realizing it. So maybe I’m being hypocritical.
---
6. Do I hold everyone and everything to an impossible demand of ideal perfection?
Think: Do you expect yourself or others to be perfect? Never make mistakes? Always be happy, smart, strong?
Example answer:
Yes, sometimes I do. I expect myself to never fail tests or always say the right thing. When I mess up, I feel terrible. I’m learning that it’s okay to be imperfect — everyone is.
---
7. Am I fearful? What am I afraid of?
Think: What scares you? Failure? Rejection? Being alone? Not being good enough?
Example answer:
I’m afraid of failing important exams. I worry I won’t get into college or disappoint my parents. I’m also afraid of being judged by others if I show weakness.
---
8. Am I intolerant? Who am I intolerant toward? What am I intolerant of?
Think: Do you get annoyed easily by certain types of people? Different opinions? Behaviors? Beliefs?
Example answer:
I’m intolerant of people who are rude to service workers. I hate seeing someone yell at a cashier. I’m also intolerant of closed-mindedness — people who refuse to listen to other views.
---
9. Am I dishonest? Am I holding secrets? Do I lie rather than “cause a scene”? What behaviors do I hide from others? Why?
Think: Do you lie to avoid conflict? Hide things because you’re embarrassed? Keep secrets to protect yourself or others?
Example answer:
I’ve lied before to avoid hurting someone’s feelings — like saying I liked a gift I didn’t. I also hide when I’m sad because I don’t want to burden others. I fear being seen as weak or dramatic.
---
10. Do I feel sorry for myself? How? I deal with self-pity? How do I feel I have been mistreated, cheated, misunderstood, or wronged?
Think: Do you often feel like life is unfair to you? Do you blame others? Or do you take responsibility?
Example answer:
Sometimes I feel sorry for myself when things go wrong — like getting a bad grade after studying hard. I think, “Why does this always happen to me?” But then I remind myself: everyone struggles. I try to focus on what I can control next time.
---
11. Am I a loser? Do I like to be in charge? Did I get upset when I don’t know what to do? Do I have trouble making decisions? Do I procrastinate? Why?
Think: Do you doubt yourself? Like controlling situations? Get stressed when unsure? Put things off?
Example answer:
No, I’m not a loser — but I sometimes feel like one when I fail. I do like being in charge because I trust myself more than others. I get upset when I don’t know what to do — it makes me feel helpless. I procrastinate when tasks feel overwhelming or boring. I’m working on breaking big tasks into small steps.
---
12. In what ways do I find myself in dealing with others? Do I go to pieces when I remove myself from potentially disagreeable situations? Even if it’s my own home?
Think: Do you change your behavior depending on who you’re with? Do you fall apart emotionally when you leave uncomfortable situations?
Example answer:
I act differently with friends vs. family — more relaxed with friends, more careful with family. When I leave a tense situation, I sometimes cry or feel shaky — even at home. I need to learn calming techniques like deep breathing.
---
13. Do I allow others to manipulate me? Do I allow others to use me for their own benefit, all while I look for love? Have I sought professional advice?
Think: Do you say yes when you mean no? Let people take advantage of you? Seek therapy or counseling?
Example answer:
Yes, sometimes I let people manipulate me because I want to be liked. I say yes to favors even when I’m tired. I haven’t sought professional advice yet, but I’ve talked to trusted friends and read self-help books.
---
14. Do I have character defects? If so how far my list? How can I change my attitude toward my higher Power?
Think: What flaws do you see in yourself? Impatience? Jealousy? Laziness? How can you grow spiritually or morally?
Example answer:
My character defects include impatience, jealousy, and avoiding hard conversations. My list is long — but I’m aware of them. To change my attitude toward my higher power (or universe/God/life), I practice gratitude daily and ask for strength to improve.
---
15. Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? Why or why not?
Think: Do you fix other people’s problems? Take blame for things that aren’t your fault? Why?
Example answer:
Yes, I often take on others’ responsibilities — like helping siblings with chores even when it’s not my turn. I do it because I want peace or to be needed. But sometimes it burns me out. I’m learning to say no.
---
16. Do I have unreasonable expectations of my spouse, children, marriage, job, etc.? How?
Think: Do you expect your partner to always understand you? Your kids to behave perfectly? Your job to make you happy all the time?
Example answer:
I expect my partner to always know how I feel without me saying it — which isn’t fair. I expect my job to fulfill me completely, but no job can do that. I’m learning to communicate better and find joy outside work.
---
✔ Final Answer:
These are personal reflection questions — there’s no single correct answer. The goal is honest self-examination. Use the example answers above as guides to write your own truthful responses based on your experiences, feelings, and growth areas. Be kind to yourself as you reflect — this is about progress, not perfection.
Parent Tip: Review the logic above to help your child master the concept of al anon 4th step worksheet.
